16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How do you deal with the death of a child? Especially when that child is only seven weeks old? What do you tell a mother who chose to have her baby instead of choosing abortion, about the fact that her only child died in her arms anyway? How do you reconcile the work of satan and the fact that God is always in control? I used to think that these things went beyond all reason, and that we, as people of faith in the Almighty Creator of the Universe were sort of doomed to being reduced to the admission that in circumstances such as these, we had no answers beyond the typical: why don't always know why, and all we know is that God is in control. However, this week as my husband and I faced the most difficult and heartbreaking time of our ministry, God mercifully revealed himself and his heart to me on the subject. I'd like to share it with you.
AJ began coming to our church about four years ago. He was part of the out reach program at our church. Very quickly he formed a close bond with us, even began calling me Mom. We poured the gospel into him, we tried our best to be there for him when he got into trouble, he became like family to us. When he started bringing his girlfriend to church with him we cautioned him like we would our own about sex before marriage, and about being a man of God and doing what God wanted him do do. We got to know his girlfriend Clinda and we saw God work in their lives. In the summer of last year, AJ and clinda told us they were expecting a baby. They were scared and hungry for advice on what to do. We did our best to speak truth to them and we encouraged them of God's provision for their child and that abortion was not what God wanted them to do. We told them we would be there no matter what and help in any way we could.
Clinda ultimately chose to have her baby, and asked me to be in the delivery room with her. We went to her baby shower, we watched Clinda grow and saw the sonogram photos and prayed that God would bring clinda and AJ to himself and that as we were speaking truth into their lives that he would give us words and wisdom. We also prayed that their baby would be healthy and that he would protect it. We believe that children are a gift from God regardless of how they are conceived and that they are precious in his sight. We loved Aniya Harmony from the moment we found out about her.
I was there when she was born. One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen! She had the softest hair and she smiled in her sleep all the time. I wasn't prepared for the feelings of responsibility I felt over her, even though I knew she wasn't mine I loved her like she was. I was there the first time she came to church and I held her the entire time just soaking in the joy of her. Every time I saw her I wanted to take her home with me.
One morning I got a call from Clinda. She was in the hospital with Aniya. She was sick and had a high fever. They didn't know what was wrong with her and she asked if I would come. I held her for four hours straight in that hospital room all the whole time Clinda and I hung out and talked. I told her about how God had a purpose for Aniya and a plan for her life, and that if she trusted and obeyed him God would show himself to her in a mighty way and lead and guide them. After four days in the hospital, Aniya was released to go home. We breathed a sigh of thankful relief and looked forward to the future with Aniya. I got to hold her the following Sunday all through church. It was awesome! She was so cute and the little noises she made melted my heart as did the huge smile on her face as she lay sleeping in my arms.
That was the last time I held Aniya Harmony Avriett. Three weeks later John called me sobbing. Clinda had called him on his way to work hysterical and a nurse got on the phone and told him to come right away. All he knew was Aniya wasn't breathing. I called Claudina and she came and picked up my kids and I left to join him. The whole way to the hospital I cried out to God for wisdom and words and protection. I prayed desperately that he would be with Clinda and Aj and John. I prayed that he would give the doctors wisdom and that Aniya would be ok. She wasn't.
When I arrived at the hospital, John told me that he had held Clinda's hand while they worked on trying to revive Aniya and he was there when they pronounced her dead. Clinda looked at me and fell into my arms and cried my name over and over. All I could do was sob with her, hold her and pray that God would show me what to do. Looking into her eyes desperate for us to comfort her, to tell her why, it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I left the hospital begging God to show me what to do. "God, all the things I told her about your plan and your purpose, what now? I am going to look like a liar God! Why did you save her from abortion if she was just going to die anyway?"
I know that my questions to God were ugly. But here is the thing, they were questions to my God. Questions only he can answer and only if he chooses. Bottom line? Would he choose to answer them, and could I surrender, and accept those answers? I spent the next 24 hours searching the word of God, praying and seeking counsel and while I still don't understand why this happened, I have learned a lot about God's purpose for Aniya's life. It doesn't matter why. What matters is what do do now with what I have learned.
As Psalm 139 says, God planned every day of Aniya's life before she was even formed in her mother's womb. He didn't just "know" how long she would be here with us, he planned for every day. From beginning to end her life was a gift. Too often, when faced with tragedy, we take it for granted that Satan is attacking. For me, focusing on Satan's role, sends me hiding in confusion. Satan had no power over when Aniya would be brought to life, and he had no power over her life's end. That was God's department. Seeing that brings beauty. Her life wasn't cut short, it was exactly as long as it was supposed to be. She fulfilled her purpose in life, she just did it faster than we did. Satan didn't steal Aniya's purpose. We were privileged to get to be the ones to be a part of her life and get to love her and take care of her while she was here. We share in her purpose. She isn't dead, she just isn't here with us. She is alive with God and he is the one who is taking care of her. We miss her and we want to be with her and it is so hard, but God has sent his comforter to us- the Holy Spirit. It is through Jesus Christ death on the cross and his conquering death that we experience the Holy Spirit. Aniya is alive in Heaven because death has been conquered. The grave has no hold on us who believe! That was part of God's provision for us! We can see Aniya again someday in Heaven because God chose to make a way for us!
So, here is what Aniya life revealed to me. Here is the purpose she fulfilled in my life. Aniya's life showed me that the fullness of his love can be exploded on us after being wrapped in a little 7 lb 12 oz body. His ability to create something so perfect and beautiful and give so much joy in such a short amount of time. The love for our children is instantaneous. My love for Aniya was no different. God's love for me in that he allowed me to be a part of Aniya's life is special. I was part of the chosen few!
Aniya's life shows that God's plan and purpose is just as big and important regardless of how much time it takes to fulfill. And that his power is revealed in that Satan cannot take life from us unless our life is done. Aniya showed me Satan's lack of power next to the all powerful Author of Life!
Aniya's life reminds me that death has been conquered and Jesus reigns in his people. That he has the power to comfort us and that the truth of who he is is not diminished in hard times, but actually magnified!
God is bringing comfort to my heart through this time. John is preaching the funeral on saturday--his first funeral. I know God is going to give him the strength and words he needs. Just putting into practice some of the power and provision he taught us through Aniya!
The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away! Blessed be the name of the Lord!
That was the last time I held Aniya Harmony Avriett. Three weeks later John called me sobbing. Clinda had called him on his way to work hysterical and a nurse got on the phone and told him to come right away. All he knew was Aniya wasn't breathing. I called Claudina and she came and picked up my kids and I left to join him. The whole way to the hospital I cried out to God for wisdom and words and protection. I prayed desperately that he would be with Clinda and Aj and John. I prayed that he would give the doctors wisdom and that Aniya would be ok. She wasn't.
When I arrived at the hospital, John told me that he had held Clinda's hand while they worked on trying to revive Aniya and he was there when they pronounced her dead. Clinda looked at me and fell into my arms and cried my name over and over. All I could do was sob with her, hold her and pray that God would show me what to do. Looking into her eyes desperate for us to comfort her, to tell her why, it was absolutely heartbreaking.
I left the hospital begging God to show me what to do. "God, all the things I told her about your plan and your purpose, what now? I am going to look like a liar God! Why did you save her from abortion if she was just going to die anyway?"
I know that my questions to God were ugly. But here is the thing, they were questions to my God. Questions only he can answer and only if he chooses. Bottom line? Would he choose to answer them, and could I surrender, and accept those answers? I spent the next 24 hours searching the word of God, praying and seeking counsel and while I still don't understand why this happened, I have learned a lot about God's purpose for Aniya's life. It doesn't matter why. What matters is what do do now with what I have learned.
As Psalm 139 says, God planned every day of Aniya's life before she was even formed in her mother's womb. He didn't just "know" how long she would be here with us, he planned for every day. From beginning to end her life was a gift. Too often, when faced with tragedy, we take it for granted that Satan is attacking. For me, focusing on Satan's role, sends me hiding in confusion. Satan had no power over when Aniya would be brought to life, and he had no power over her life's end. That was God's department. Seeing that brings beauty. Her life wasn't cut short, it was exactly as long as it was supposed to be. She fulfilled her purpose in life, she just did it faster than we did. Satan didn't steal Aniya's purpose. We were privileged to get to be the ones to be a part of her life and get to love her and take care of her while she was here. We share in her purpose. She isn't dead, she just isn't here with us. She is alive with God and he is the one who is taking care of her. We miss her and we want to be with her and it is so hard, but God has sent his comforter to us- the Holy Spirit. It is through Jesus Christ death on the cross and his conquering death that we experience the Holy Spirit. Aniya is alive in Heaven because death has been conquered. The grave has no hold on us who believe! That was part of God's provision for us! We can see Aniya again someday in Heaven because God chose to make a way for us!
So, here is what Aniya life revealed to me. Here is the purpose she fulfilled in my life. Aniya's life showed me that the fullness of his love can be exploded on us after being wrapped in a little 7 lb 12 oz body. His ability to create something so perfect and beautiful and give so much joy in such a short amount of time. The love for our children is instantaneous. My love for Aniya was no different. God's love for me in that he allowed me to be a part of Aniya's life is special. I was part of the chosen few!
Aniya's life shows that God's plan and purpose is just as big and important regardless of how much time it takes to fulfill. And that his power is revealed in that Satan cannot take life from us unless our life is done. Aniya showed me Satan's lack of power next to the all powerful Author of Life!
Aniya's life reminds me that death has been conquered and Jesus reigns in his people. That he has the power to comfort us and that the truth of who he is is not diminished in hard times, but actually magnified!
God is bringing comfort to my heart through this time. John is preaching the funeral on saturday--his first funeral. I know God is going to give him the strength and words he needs. Just putting into practice some of the power and provision he taught us through Aniya!
The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away! Blessed be the name of the Lord!
